Is it true we go to therapy to deal with the people in our lives who won’t go to therapy?

We bring every part of ourselves into our close relationships: our desires, our fears, our unique emotional needs, and our ways of relating to others shaped by our pasts.

So do the people we live with, work with and love. And sometimes, it can feel like another person’s stuff looms so large that it’s hard for us to take up space or feel heard in the relationship. That’s how it feels, anyway. Most of the time, it’s more complicated than that. Our stuff pretty much always plays a role, too.

This leads me to this week’s question, sent in by a reader who asked to remain confidential: “I’m sure we’ve all heard the maxim ‘We go to therapy to deal with the people in our lives who won’t go to therapy.’ But I wonder if you could write about (1) whether that’s true, and (2) what to do when you’re really struggling with the behavior of someone very close to you, but don’t see them ever having the wherewithal/self-awareness to pursue therapy. How much can we do on our own when the source of some of our anxiety/depression isn’t likely to change?

There’s a lot of self-awareness in your question, dear reader. It sounds like you’ve already accepted the hardest part of this equation — we can’t expect people to change, and yet it can feel unfair and frustrating when they remain the same as we keep working on ourselves.

In this newsletter, we’ll explore how much power we have in these situations and when it might be time to part ways.

‘The people in our lives who won’t go to therapy’

I’ve heard this saying many times, and although my inner cynic nods gravely in agreement, it doesn’t quite ring true to me.

First, relationships are a two-way street, and we don’t want to create the false binary that one person is the problem and the other person has all the solutions.

On the flip side, just because two people are in therapy doesn’t mean their relationship is always smooth sailing. Conflict is a normal — and even healthy! — part of relationships. And when both people are willing to compromise and are committed to understanding each other, it deepens their bond. Problems arise when that’s not the case.

“We go to therapy for a lot of reasons, and struggling in a relationship with someone, regardless of if they are in therapy or not, is one of them,” said Jesse Kahn, a psychotherapist and director at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City.

It is true that some people won’t or can’t change. “In those cases there’s nothing to be done, other than accept it and move on,” said Joan Hoeberichts, a psychotherapist in the Bay Area. “I’m always dubious to start there, though,” she said. “Most of the time if the other person wants to be in the relationship, the potential for change exists.”

Hoeberichts said that even when the effort to repair a relationship is lopsided, one person’s actions can help shift a dynamic in a positive direction.

Being aware of the other person’s experience is also key here, Hoeberichts added. “The more you understand the behavior in a larger context and have compassion for their history of pain or trauma that’s causing the behavior,” she said, “the easier it is to work with the person to change the situation.”

Let’s say your partner gets upset every time you travel for work. You could see that behavior as controlling. But if you know that your partner lost her parents at an early age, and as a consequence feels the overwhelming terror of being abandoned when people temporarily leave her, your reaction is likely to be different.

But some behaviors will be non-negotiable for you — which comes back to knowing what you need in a relationship versus what things are nice but not necessary, said Qu’Nesha Sawyer, a psychotherapist in Durham, N.C.

Your non-negotiables might include being able to trust someone, having open and honest communication, and agreeing (at least for the most part) on social and political views.

But some relationships we don’t choose, like those we have with our family. What might be a non-negotiable for you in your friendships and romantic partnerships — like shared politics and general life philosophies, for example — could be something you’re willing to tolerate when it comes to family.

“Ask yourself, what values are my family able to provide for me?” Sawyer said. “If they’re not able to provide these non-negotiables, where else can I get those needs met?”

You can’t control other people’s behaviors, but you can control how you communicate and set boundaries, so that’s where your focus should be.

Sawyer, who specializes in reproductive wellness, offered a great example. She often works with people who are planning to have children and desire better relationships with their parents as they embark on this important new chapter of their lives. Sawyer helps her clients appreciate what their parents can bring to the table but also their limitations.

“What are the ways you can still foster a relationship that respects and honors your boundaries,” she said, “while allowing yourself the freedom to be OK with things not being exactly as we wish they could be?”

If we stay with this example, maybe that means you don’t have the kind of bond with your parents where you call them up for parenting advice often, but you still make an effort to include them in your kids’ lives in ways that recognize their strengths.

When learning to set boundaries, you could ask yourself questions like, “What do I need to feel safe and valued?” If someone regularly speaks to you in a harsh tone, for instance, you can set a boundary by letting them know you aren’t OK with their behavior.

Setting boundaries can feel intimidating at first. Experts suggest that you do it when you’re feeling calm and grounded; if you set a boundary but your vibe is angry or hostile, it’ll probably trigger the other person’s defenses.

“A lot of this is about managing your own reactivity,” Hoeberichts said.

When to walk away

Let’s say you’ve communicated your needs, set boundaries, and attempted to meet the other person where they’re at. And still, nothing changes.

“If you have a family member or friend who pretends like your boundaries don’t exist,” Sawyer said, “it might be time to reflect on whether this person is suitable for the type of life you want.”

Physical and emotional abuse should also not be tolerated, though those relationships can be the toughest to leave. For example, I have queer friends who love their parents but cannot have relationships with them because of their parents’ political or religious views. It’s hard to feel safe around someone who, despite your love for them, doesn’t think of your existence as real or valid. These are the moments when a person’s unwillingness to change is a danger to you, and boundaries might not be enough.

There are also people who are just not ready or able to change, whether because of substance use or mental health conditions. If you’re in either of those situations, reach out for support — be it therapy, a crisis line or trusted loved ones — where you can discuss your best way forward.

I think the biggest takeaway here is that we are not helpless in relationships. We have the power to set boundaries and decide how and if we share our lives with another person. Asking for what we need can be scary but can also offer big rewards when we take the risk. Here’s to taking more of them.

See you next week,

Laura

If what you learned today from these experts spoke to you or you’d like to tell us about your own experiences, please email us and let us know if it is OK to share your thoughts with the larger Group Therapy community. The email [email protected] gets right to our team. As always, find us on Instagram at @latimesforyourmind, where we’ll continue this conversation.

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More perspectives on today’s topic & other resources

Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach’s talk series on “Navigating Conflict With a Wise Heart” offers wisdom and tools for healing our own unmet needs and not being dependent on others changing, and how to engage with another person when both are dedicated to mindful communication. You can also listen to these talks on her podcast.

Nonviolent Communication might be one of the greatest tools we have in building trust and understanding between ourselves and others. In his seminal book on NVC, clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg lays out how we can move through conflict in a non-coercive way that increases empathy and allows everyone involved to express their needs.

In therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace,” she dives deep into how we can recognize where we need boundaries and establish them. She followed it up with a workbook that helps you work through implementing her guidance into your life (which you could use as homework in your therapy sessions — yes, this is a shameless plug for last week’s newsletter).

Other interesting stuff

In this moving portrait of how a former Times writer came to take his own life, my colleague Tom Curwen explores the thorny but vital conversation around suicide prevention, and how America’s culture of rugged individualism makes it harder to ask for help.

Long after we graduate from high school and college, many of us still dream about it (I know that’s true for me — it’s my most common kind of dream!). This piece offers a compelling explanation for why that might be the case.

With human therapists in short supply, Artificial Intelligence chatbots are trying to plug the gap — but it’s not clear how well they work.

Not all mental health tips on Instagram and TikTok are helpful. Here’s how to consume that kind of content in a safe way.

Tune into our L.A. Times Book Club discussion Thursday with country music legend Willie Nelson on his latest book, “Me and Paul,” the story of a 70-year friendship with drummer Paul English that inspired and saved Nelson’s life. We’ll discuss that book and what Willie is working on next, along with a few questions about life along the way.