The realization came while Kobe Bryant was meditating.
“I don’t want to get too Zen-like on you guys, but honestly, sitting in meditation for me, my mind starts drifting,” Bryant said Sunday. “It always drifted toward basketball, always, always. It doesn’t do that anymore. ... That was one of the first indicators that this game isn’t something I can obsess over for much longer.”
Bryant announced Sunday in an essay for the Players’ Tribune that this would be his final season in the NBA. In many ways, the essay read like a painful breakup letter to someone he loves with all his heart.
“Once I decided I want to speak to the game itself, which sounds really weird, but I’ve never actually spoken to the game,” he said. “It’s always been to the fans, or to teammates, things of that nature. I never actually told the game how I felt. Once I decided to write it from that perspective, the words just came in a matter of minutes.”
He said he’s at peace with his decision and is ready to move on.
“There’s no sadness in that,” he said. “I’ve had so many great times. I see the beauty in not being able to blow past defenders anymore. I see the beauty in getting up in the morning and being in pain, because I know all of the hard work that it took to get to this point.”
Bryant said when he told his family that he was going to retire, they were a bit torn.
“They understand the concept that this is something that I’ve been doing since I was 3,” he said. “This is my entire life. ... It’s like, ‘Dad’s losing that passion now. He’s not going to be able to do that same thing he’s done forever.’ But at the same time, I’ll be around a lot more. So they’re excited about that.”
Bryant said having a farewell tour is an uncomfortable thing for him because he feels as though he’s the one who should be thanking the fans, not the other way around. When asked if he thinks he will get emotional at one point, Bryant didn’t hesitate in his response.
“It’s not going to happen on the court,” he said, laughing. “Ain’t going to happen there, man. But if I said I wasn’t getting a little emotional about it, I’d be lying. It’s a little different internally than when you actually voice it. Now it’s out there. There’s a certain level of finality to it that adds a little more. The coolest thing is the blessings that I’ve received from other players — they say thank you for the inspiration, thank you for the lessons, the mentality. Those things honestly mean the most to me. That respect from my peers, there’s nothing in the world that can top that.”
When Bryant was asked how he thinks he will be remembered by his peers, he recalled a moment before a game in Detroit when the teams’ captains were called to talk to the referees. He said an extra player snuck over there. The referees told the guy to leave, but the player insisted on doing something first.
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant dunks against the Utah Jazz on Jan. 25, 2013, at Staples Center. Arguably the greatest player of his generation, Bryant has played a leading role in helping the Lakers carry their winning tradition into the 21st century. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant holds up his jersey during his introductory news conference on July 12, 1996. (Andrew Scholer / Los Angeles Times)
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Laker rookie Kobe Bryant was a seasoned veteran at getting shot by cameras for advertisements before he took his first shot at training camp. (Ken Hively / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant puts up a shot during a summer league game against the Detroit Pistons in Long Beach on July 13, 1996. (Michael Caulfield / Associated Press)
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Lakers rookie Kobe Bryant, 18, warms up before a game at the Forum on Jan. 30, 1997. (Vince Compagnone / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant saves the ball from going out of bounds during a game at the Forum on Dec. 29, 1997. (Lawrence K. Ho / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant claps while walking off the court during a timeout against the Minnesota Timberwolves on Nov. 24, 1997, at the Forum. (Vince Compagnone / Los Angeles Times)
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Chicago Bulls great Michael Jordan, left, guards Lakers star Kobe Bryant during the 1998 NBA All-Star game. (Mark Lennihan / Associated Press)
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Kobe Bryant is dejected after losing the ball late in the second half of Game 3 of the 1999 Western Conference semifinals against the San Antonio Spurs in the playoffs at the Forum. The Lakers lost, 103-91, giving the Spurs a 3-0 advantage in the series. The Spurs went on to win the series 4-0. (Lori Shepler / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant speaks with reporters at the team’s practice facility in El Segundo on May 2, 2000. (Jack Smith / Associated Press)
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Lakers stars Kobe Bryant, left, and Shaquille O’Neal hold the championship trophies after winning Game 6 of the 2000 NBA Finals against the Indiana Pacers. (Paul Morse / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant jumps over a row of fans after saving the ball from going out of bounds during a win over the Houston Rockets on Dec. 20, 2001. (Pat Sullivan / Associated Press)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, center, is all smiles while standing next to teammates (from left) Derek Fisher, Rick Fox and Shaquille O’Neal during Game 1 of the 2001 Western Conference finals. Bryant scored 45 points in the Lakers’ 104-90 win. (Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers stars Kobe Bryant, left, and Shaquille O’Neal congratulate each other during the Lakers’ win over the Portland Trail Blazers in Game 1 of the 2002 Western Conference quarterfinals at Staples Center. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant puts up a shot during a win over the Chicago Bulls at Staples Center on Nov. 22, 2002. (Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, right, steals the ball away from Portland Trail Blazers guard Jeff McInnis during a game at Staples Center on Nov. 3, 2002. (Lori Shepler / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant puts up a shot during Game 1 of the 2002 NBA Western Conference finals against the Sacramento Kings. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, right center, congratulates teammate Robert Horry on his winning shot against the Sacramento Kings in Game 4 of the Western Conference finals at Staples Center on May 26, 2002. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers teammates (from left) Kobe Bryant, Lindsey Hunter and Shaquille O’Neal celebrate the team’s 2002 NBA Finals win over the New Jersey Nets. (Alex Gallardo / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant celebrates in the locker room after the team’s 2002 NBA Championship win over the New Jersey Nets. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant looks at the Larry O’Brien trophy after the Lakers’ NBA championship victory over the New Jersey Nets on June 12, 2002. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers teammates Mark Madsen, left, and Kobe Bryant celebrate the team’s 2002 NBA title during a celebration in downtown Los Angeles on June 14, 2002. (Anacleto Rapping / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers stars Kobe Bryant, left, and Shaquille O’Neal show off their 2002 NBA championship rings before a game against the San Antonio Spurs at Staples Center on Oct. 29, 2002. (Andrew D. Bernstein / Getty Images)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, left, drives on Houston Rockets small forward Juaquin Hawkins during a game at Staples Center on Nov. 17, 2002. (Kevin P. Casey / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant watches as one of his three-pointers falls against the Wizards at Staples in 2001. (Lori Shepler / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, center, is double-teamed by Cleveland Cavaliers teammates Eric Snow, left, and Flip Murray during a game on March 19, 2006. (Mark Duncan / Associated Press)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant walks past the courtroom where his pretrial motion hearing for sexual assault charges took place in Eagle, Colo., on March 25, 2004. In July 2003, Bryant was arrested after a woman claimed he raped her at a Colorado hotel. Prosecutors later dropped the charges. (Chris Schneider / EPA)
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Kobe Bryant and his wife, Vanessa, take part in a news conference at Staples Center in July 2003 while addressing the sexual assault charges brought against Kobe. The charges were later dropped. (Lori Shepler / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, right, speaks with coach Phil Jackson in 2010. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant dunks against the Sacramento Kings at Staples Center on April 10, 2003. (Alex Gallardo / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant tries to hide his emotions after the team’s season-ending loss to the San Antonio Spurs in Game 6 of the 2003 NBA Western Conference semifinals. (Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers players (from left) Karl Malone, Kobe Bryant, Gary Payton and Shaquille O’Neal make their first game appearance together during a preseason game against the Clippers in Anaheim on Oct. 23, 2003. (Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, left, is congratulated by teammate Derek Fisher after the Lakers’ victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves in Game 4 of the 2004 Western Conference semifinals at Staples Center. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers teammates (from left) Karl Malone, Kobe Bryant and Gary Payton walk off the court after a win over the Minnesota Timberwolves in Game 4 of the 2004 Western Conference finals at Staples Center. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers teammates Kobe Bryant, left, and Shaquille O’Neal sit on the bench during Game 6 of the 2004 Western Conference finals against the Minnesota Timberwolves. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant wipes sweat from his face during the team’s season-ending loss to the Detroit Pistons in Game 5 of the 2004 NBA Finals. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant writhes in pain after injuring his right ankle during a game against the Cleveland Cavaliers at Staples Center on Jan. 13, 2005. (Anne Cusack / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, left, and William “Smush” Parker talk during a preseason game against the Utah Jazz in Anaheim on Oct. 25, 2005. (Lori Shepler / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant reacts after hitting the winning shot against the Phoenix Suns in Game 4 of the 2006 Western Conference quarterfinals at Staples Center. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant reacts after being fouled by the Houston Rockets’ Ryan Bowen (not pictured) in the first quarter of a game at Staples Center on Dec. 18, 2005. (Robert Lachman / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant, left, whispers to coach Phil Jackson in between being photographed during Lakers’ media day on Oct. 2, 2006. (Mel Melcon / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant saves the ball from going out of bounds against the Memphis Grizzlies at Staples Center on Nov. 12, 2006. (Richard Hartog / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers forward Lamar Odom, left, and guard Kobe Bryant talk on the bench during a timeout against the New Jersey Nets on Nov. 26, 2006. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant listens to the national anthem before a game against the New Jersey Nets on Nov. 26, 2006. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant shoots over Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade to score the winning basket with less than a second remaining in a 108-107 victory at Staples Center on Dec. 4, 2009. (Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant holds his daughter, Natalia, while greeting team owner Jerry Buss before a news conference at the Sheraton Gateway Hotel in Los Angeles announcing Bryant as the 2008 NBA MVP. (Lori Shepler / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant walks off the court after losing to the Phoenix Suns in Game 1 of the 2007 NBA Western Conference quarterfinals. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant walks off the court after a championship loss to the Boston Celtics in Game 6 of the 2009 NBA Finals. (Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant celebrates after hitting a late three-pointer in a win over the Utah Jazz in Game 2 of the 2009 Western Conference quarterfinals. (Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Phoenix Suns coach Alvin Gentry, right, calls a timeout immediately after Kobe Bryant hits a three-pointer during Game 2 of the 2010 Western Conference finals. (Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant reacts immediately after a slam dunk against the New York Knicks on Feb. 2, 2009, at Madison Square Garden. Bryant scored 61 points in the win. (Kathy Willens / Associated Press)
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Lakers teammates Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol, right, celebrate in the closing seconds of the team’s NBA championship win over the Orlando Magic in Game 5 of the 2009 NBA Finals. (Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant celebrates after winning his fourth NBA title with a win over the Orlando Magic in Game 5 of the 2009 NBA Finals. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant holds the Larry O’Brien Trophy while celebrating his fourth championship with the team following a win over the Orlando Magic in Game 5 of the 2009 NBA Finals. (Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers teammates Derek Fisher, left, and Kobe Bryant, center, give President Barack Obama a personalized team jersey while visiting the White House on Jan. 25, 2010. (Charles Dharapak / Associated Press)
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Lakers forward Ron Artest, center, is congratulated by Kobe Bryant, left, and the rest of his teammates after hitting the winning shot against the Phoenix Suns in Game 5 of the 2010 Western Conference finals. (Wally Skalij / Associated Press)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, left, and Boston Celtics guard Tony Allen battle for a loose ball during Game 6 of the 2010 NBA Finals at Staples Center on June 15, 2010. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant celebrates after winning his fifth NBA title following a victory over the Boston Celtics in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals. (Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant celebrates after the Lakers’ victory over the Boston Celtics in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals at Staples Center on June 17, 2010. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant gestures while celebrating his fifth championship with the Lakers during a team parade in Los Angeles on June 21, 2010. (Christina House / For the Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant celebrates his fifth NBA title during the team’s championship parade on June 21, 2010. (Christina House / For the Times)
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Kobe Bryant kisses his championship ring during a ceremony honoring the Lakers’ 2010 NBA title before the team’s season opener on Oct. 26, 2010. (Gary Friedman / Los Angeles Times)
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Lamar Odom and Kobe Bryant share a laugh before a game against the Minnesota Timberwolves at Staples Center on Nov. 9, 2010.
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Kobe Bryant, left, exchanges words with LeBron James during a Christmas Day game in 2010. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant walks behind Dallas Mavericks standout Dirk Nowitzki during Game 3 of the 2011 Western Conference semifinals. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant walks off the court after the team’s season-ending loss to the Dallas Mavericks in Game 4 of the Western Conference semifinals on May 8, 2011. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant reflects on the 2010-11 season as he answers questions from reporters at the team’s practice facility in El Segundo on May 11, 2011. (Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant participates in a training session for South Korean fans during a promotional tour in Seoul on July 14, 2011. (Chung Sung-Jun / Getty Images)
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Kobe Bryant drives to the basket during an exhibition game in the Philippines on July 24, 2011. (Noel Celis / AFP/Getty Images)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant gets a massage from team physical therapist Julie Seto during a game against the Minnesota Timberwolves on Feb. 29, 2012. (Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, right, greets Oklahoma City Thunder standout Kevin Durant before walking off the court after a season-ending loss in Game 5 of the 2012 Western Conference semifinals. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers teammates (from left) Pau Gasol, Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard celebrate in the closing moments of their 119-108 victory over the Houston Rockets on Nov. 18, 2012. (Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, right, puts up a shot over Portland Trail Blazers forward Nicolas Batum during a game at Staples Center on Feb. 22, 2013. (Mark J. Terrill / Associated Press)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant shoots over Toronto Raptors forward Rudy Gay during the Lakers’ 118-116 overtime win at Staples Center on March 8, 2013. (Reed Saxon / Associated Press)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant looks on during a game against the New Orleans Hornets at Staples Center on Jan. 29, 2013. (Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, right, protects the ball from Sacramento Kings forward John Salmons during the Lakers’ 103-98 win on March 30, 2013. (Rich Pedroncelli / Associated Press)
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Kobe Bryant rolls on the floor in pain after injuring suffering a torn Achilles tendon during a game against the Sacramento Kings on April 12, 2013. Bryant did not return from the injury until December 2013. (Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant limps off the court in front of teammate Metta World Peace after suffering an Achilles tendon injury on April 12, 2013, against the Golden State Warriors. (Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant sits on the bench before being introduced against the Phoenix Suns at Staples Center on Dec. 10, 2013. It was Bryant’s first game back since tearing his Achilles tendon on April 12, 2013. (Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant grabs a rebound against the Toronto Raptors at Staples Center on Dec. 8, 2013. (Harry How / Getty Images)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant puts up a shot against the Phoenix Suns at Staples Center on Dec. 10, 2013. (Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant, sidelined with a torn Achilles tendon injury, sits next to teammate Jodie Meeks during a Lakers’ loss to the Clippers at Staples Center on Jan. 10, 2014. (Rick Loomis / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant walks down the court during the Lakers’ 110-91 loss to the Pacers on Dec. 14, 2014, at Bankers Life Fieldhouse in Indianapolis. (Andy Lyons / Getty Images)
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Kobe Bryant drives on Memphis Grizzlies guard Quincy Pondexter on Nov. 26, 2014. (Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)
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Kobe Bryant drives to the basket during a 110-91 loss to the Indiana Pacers on Dec. 15, 2014. (Andy Lyons / Getty Images)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, left, speaks with Coach Byron Scott during a game against the San Antonio Spurs last December.
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant dribbles the ball during the first half against the Indiana Pacers on Dec. 15, 2014. (Andy Lyons / Getty Images)
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant smiles during the fourth quarter of a 111-103 win over the Denver Nuggets on Dec. 30, 2014. (David Zalubowski / Associated Press)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant dunks during a game against Indiana Pacers at Staples Center on Jan. 4. (Mark J. Terrill / Associated Press)
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant looks on during the closing moments of a 111-95 loss to the Washington Wizards on Dec. 3, 2014.
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant drives to the basket past Miami Heat guard Mario Chalmers during a game at Staples Center on Jan. 13, 2015.
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Lakers star Kobe Bryant, left, poses for photos with FC Barcelona captain Andrés Iniesta Luján before a training session at the StubHub Stadium in Carson on July 20, 2015.
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Kobe Bryant poses for a photo at the Beverly Hills Hilton on July 18, 2014. Bryant was limited to 35 games during the 2014-15 season because of injury.
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant fields questions from reporters surrounding him during the Lakers’ media day in El Segundo.
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant fields questions from television reporters during the Lakers’ media day in El Segundo.
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Lakers guard Kobe Bryant is surrounded by reporters while doing a radio interview during the Lakers’ media day in El Segundo.
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Kobe Bryant tries to steal the ball from Nuggets forward Kenneth Faried during a game at Staples Center on Nov. 3.
(Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times) “I just wanted to shake his hand,” Bryant recalled the player saying about him. “I couldn’t see him, he was behind Andre Drummond. I just saw the hand come from around Andre, and I shook it.”
It’s hard for any fan to pick their favorite Bryant moment. There was the 81-point game in 2006. There was the time Bryant scored 62 points through three quarters in 2005. There were the five NBA championships. There was the time when Matt Barnes pretended to throw the ball at Bryant’s face, and Bryant didn’t flinch.
His favorite?
“Nothing beats getting drafted,” Bryant said. “Nothing tops that. That’s the beginning of it all.”
Bryant said before he decided to retire, he had something very important to sort through.
“I was born to play basketball, and I had to really work to figure out what comes next,” he said. “And that’s really, really hard. But that’s what we have to do as athletes. That’s what we have to figure out.”
When asked if knows what’s next, Bryant gave an emphatic yes.
“Absolutely, I’m a storyteller, I love, love, love storytelling,” he said. “I love framing stories that inspire. I love educating in a very creative way. I love putting pieces of the puzzle together. And I didn’t know that was there until it came time to actually make ‘The Muse,’ and I was like, wow, this is actually pretty fun. And that burning desire is there.”
Bryant will retire as one of the best basketball players of all time. Lakers Coach Byron Scott said fans have gotten to witness an incredible slice of history through Bryant.
“He’s right there with M.J.,” Scott said, comparing Bryant to Michael Jordan.
For Bryant, the last 20 years have been a beautiful blur, and for that he’s overwhelmed with gratitude.
“How many kids can say growing up that they’ll turn pro and play for their favorite team in the world and spend their entire career there?” he said. “It’s been a dream.”
