These 23 things are guaranteed to happen during Dodgers spring training

You can bet that Dave Roberts will be all smiles when training camp opens.

By Steve Dilbeck

Feb. 17, 2016 8:48 AM PT

Dodgers pitchers and catchers report to spring training Friday, so naturally you’re wondering what to expect. Being the absolute expert on all things baseball, Dodgers and college debt, I offer these 23 things that are positively guaranteed to happen this spring:

Newbie Dodgers Manager Dave Roberts will smile 362 times … on the first day. Players, coaches and media will all rave about his upbeat disposition.
Yasmani Grandal, Justin Turner, Hyun-Jin Ryu and Enrique Hernandez will all claim their surgeries complete successes and that they’ll be ready to start the season.
None of the Dodgers’ 21 non-roster invitees will make the club.
Another rumor will pop up that the Dodgers are looking to acquire Miami ace Jose Fernandez, but it still won’t happen.
Prospects Frankie Montas, Micah Johnson and Trayce Thompson will resist temptation to turn right to the White Sox clubhouse at Camelback Ranch.
By mid-spring, the offense will be struggling and speculation will begin anew over why the Dodgers took the prospects in the three-way deal
instead of slugger Todd Frazier.
My laptop will blow up before the first exhibition game and my private computer repair man, General Manager Farhan Zaidi, will laugh and claim he lost his mini-screwdriver.
Clayton Kershaw will win the team ping-pong tournament.
Yasiel Puig will say all the right things. Some blogger will write, “fool me once,” and the Twittersphere will blow up again.
Despite their efforts, the Dodgers will not trade Andre Ethier and will still have that odd, jammed two-man crew with left-handed hitters Carl Crawford and Ethier in left.
The Dodgers will have to rent a local Marriott ballroom because they don’t have a space big enough at Camelback to meet with front-office staff.
Corey Seager will have a nice, if less than spectacular, spring but still leave Arizona as he came – everyone’s favorite for the National League Rookie of the Year.
Adrian Gonzalez will decline a multimillion-dollar offer to fight Ronda Rousey.
Gonzalez will claim he misses Times beat writer Dylan Hernandez, but his fingers will be crossed.
Sandy Koufax will make his annual appearance, and it will be the three most exciting days of camp.
Right-hander Chris Hatcher will look more like the reliever who ended last season than the one who began it and will secure his role as the main set-up man.
Concern will grow Joc Pederson still looks more like the player who ended the season.
Mike Bolsinger will look good and wonder why everyone seems to have forgotten him.
Tommy Lasorda will tell a story everyone’s heard 37 times and it will still be funny.
When the Dodgers break camp, they still won’t have a deal to get Vin Scully on the majority of networks in his final season.
Right-hander Kenta Maeda will not blow anyone away with his velocity, but will look like a promising addition to the rotation.
Alex Guerrero will prove untradeable, refuse a triple-A assignment and force the Dodgers to waive him, eating the $10 million left on his contract.
Dodgers Chairman Mark Walter will buy the Los Angeles Times and name me publisher. OK, so take 22 things to the bank.