Op-Ed: ‘Where the Woke Things Are’: The fanciful titles we might see if the GOP launched a line of kids’ books

Banning books is only half the battle. The next step for Republicans is to launch their own line of children’s titles to fill the vacuum.

“Horton Hears a Dog Whistle” will be the first new storybook for kids, part of a series of Dr. Seuss doppelgangers that includes “Green Eggs and Hannity,” “How the Grinch Stole the Election,” “The Cat in the MAGA Hat” and its 2024 sequel, “The Cat in the MAGA Hat Comes Back.”

A collection of fairy tales and nursery rhymes will follow. “Hansel and Greta Thunberg” dismantles global warming while “Trumpelstiltskin” stars an orange creature who spins straw into 11,000 votes in Georgia. Other stories in the anthology include “Snow White Anglo-Saxon Protestant,” “Goldman Sachs and the Three Bear Markets,” “Roger Stone Soup” and “Little Red State Riding Hood.”

There’s also the cautionary tale of “The Three Little Libs.” The first two are devoured, one after declaring the big bad wolf an endangered species and the second after a progressive district attorney reduces the wolf’s murder charge to misdemeanor assault and releases him. The third little lib wisely switches parties, joins the National Rifle Assn. and ultimately enjoys a feast of wolf fajitas.

Another future classic, “Where the Woke Things Are,” features a young boy who sails to an island inhabited by leftist monsters who try to frighten him with accusations of racism, transphobia and climate denial. He discovers they’re just a bunch of oversized snowflakes and sends them to bed without supper.

For older readers, the book lineup includes “Cloudy With a Chance of Rand Pauls,” “The Phantom Voting Booth,” “James and the Giant Impeachment Hoax” and “Heather Has Two Mommies … Who Will Burn in Hell.”

The fantasy genre will be anchored by “The Chronicles of Antifa” and “Harry Potter and the Soros’ Drone.” In the latter, Quidditch meets QAnon as an 11-year-old conservative discovers Hillary Clinton’s email server has him under surveillance.

Last but not least, expect a flurry of new titles to be published in time for the holiday season. They include “Curious George Bush,” “Goodnight Roe” (in which the Supreme Court bids adieu to various civil rights), “The Little Elon That Could,” “Charlotte’s Web of Conspiracy Theories,” a primer on fake news called “And to Think That I Saw It on MSNBC” and, of course, “Donald and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad FBI Raid.”

Roy Rivenburg is a former Times staff writer.