Virgin births report: Wasn’t the ‘white’ Santa Claus debate bad enough?

Talk about a Christmas news peg; try this headline: “1 in 200 mothers reports a ‘virgin’ birth, study finds.”

Now, full disclosure, the study was actually published on Dec. 17. But some folks, like me, are just getting around to writing about it because, well, it fits in with the holidays in a shameless and somewhat tasteless way. (A little insight into the secret world of the so-called journalism profession: This is sometimes called “saving string.” Another insider anecdote: Once, someone here at the L.A. Times pitched a story for Christmas Day on some religious scholars questioning whether the Virgin Mary was actually, you know, a virgin. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed.)

Anyway, as my colleague Emily Alpert Reyes wrote Monday: “Roughly one out of every 200 American women claim to have become pregnant as virgins…. Researchers from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill tracked how women answered questions on the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. They found that a small fraction of women — 0.5% — reported getting pregnant before they started having sex.” (And no, I can’t tell you why it’s called a “longitudinal study.” What longitude and latitude have to do with sex is a mystery to me too.)

Really, though, I think the authors of this study are just asking for trouble. We already have the “war on Christmas” debate, and we’re smack dad-gum in the dang middle of a war over “Duck Dynasty.” Not to mention that we recently almost came to blows not only on whether Jesus was white but on what color Santa Claus — uh, people, Santa is a made-up character, like Superman or Batman or the Green Hornet — is or can be.

I just don’t think the country can stand a debate over whether there are many kids born to virgin mothers running around the United States. I mean, sure, the Mormons added a novel twist or two to the Bible, but they didn’t go messing with the Virgin Mary!

Though not religious myself, I am familiar on a personal level with the repercussions from such a revelation. You see, my dad told me for years that “we found you under a rock in Arizona.” As an adult, I now realize that was just Dad’s impish side coming out. But as a child, I must admit I spent many an hour picturing myself huddled beside or, somehow, under a rock beside a two-lane road in the Arizona desert, avoiding scorpions and snakes and heat stroke until my family somehow spotted me from a fast-moving car and scooped me up.

So let’s not go there, folks. It’s like the Roswell aliens at Area 51: No, no no.

Let’s keep it simple: There are no virgin births. Or, if you’re a Christian: There haven’t been any more virgin births. Or, if you’re a non-Christian: This is America and you can believe what you want.

Although the “found under a rock in Arizona” story isn’t one I’d recommend.

Oh, and happy holidays!

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