‘The Amazing Race’ premiere recap: Gone fishing

You’d think after umpteen seasons of “The Amazing Race” that the teams would know by now to read the whole clue. Not reading the whole clue can cost you not just the coveted position of first place, but the entire race. But those who don’t remember the past are doomed to repeat it, as we saw on the premiere episode of “TAR’s” 23rd(!) season.

The 11 attractive, energetic, highly marketable teams of two started out on equal footing, riding in on stagecoaches in the midst of an old-fashioned shootout on a Wild West soundstage somewhere in Southern California (wha?).

The stakes in this initial leg were high, explained host Phil Keoghan. The first team to finish this portion of the race got not one, but two express passes: one for themselves and one to give to another team before the end of the fifth leg. It would give whoever won this leg a distinct advantage, both technically and strategically, over the rest of the teams, so all the pairs ran to their Ford CMax Energi plug-in hybrids with extra gusto and rang up Javier, who told them to come meet him in Iquique, Chile, by way of LAX.

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But Javier, popular guy as he is, couldn’t entertain everyone at once, so teams had to take one of two flights to the South American country. Seven teams made it onto the first flight: “Afghanimal” cousins Leo and Jamal, former NFL players Chester and Ephraim, theater performers Rowan and Shane, bickering exes Tim and Marie, L.A. Kings ice crew girls Ally and Ashley, baseball wives Nicky and Kim, and married ER doctors Nicole and Travis.

Bickersons Tim and Marie make a strong, convincing case early on as the couple most like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Bearded buddies in the buff Brandon and Adam, small-town Okie oil riggers Tim and Danny (who faced language barriers just trying to get out of Los Angeles), ambitious couple-degree hoarders Jason and Amy, and father-and-daughter Hoskote and Naina had to wait to meet Javier 2 1/2 hours later.

The first challenge, issued by amigo Javier in Alto Hospicio was a Road Block: One team member had to paraglide off a rocky cliff while the other tracked them down. Most teams seem to accomplish the glide fairly easily, with the exception of Kim (wife of Tampa Bay Rays’ David DeJesus), who had to channel her son “Spidey” to find the guts to soar 2,000 feet above sea level, and bearded Brandon from Chico, whose first takeoff attempt skidded to a less-than-lofty halt.

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The team members who had to take cabs to meet them, however, had a little more trouble. Despite her impressive command of the Spanish language, ER doctor Nicole could not convey to the cab driver that she wanted to be dropped off somewhere close to her husband’s landing point, and she had to hike a small eternity to catch up to him.

Fuchsia-highlighted Marie underhandedly bogarted the taxi Jamal had called for himself and Ashley, leaving Jamal without a car and without a potential showmance. And for some reason, Naina’s cabbie took an extra-long scenic route before reuniting her with father Hoskote, leaving them to play catch-up for the rest of the leg.

The next clue, found at Iquique’s Muelle Prat, was another Road Block. The team member who paraglided in the previous challenge had to collect five fish from three fishing boats and deliver them to the fishmonger.

This challenge proved more difficult, as teams had to navigate pesky rowboats with unwieldy oars around the dozens of boats in the harbor, and then deliver the fish without being eaten by the feral hordes of seemingly rabid seals. Former NFL player Chester tried bribery, imploring “Mr. Boat” to work with him.

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Oklahoma Tim explained he didn’t know what to do with oars. “We have motors in our boats back home,” he said. (Apparently, they also have plumber’s butt, as Tim’s low-slinging bottoms revealed an unsavory sliver of Oklahoma crack to Iquique and the world at large. The world may never be the same.)

The only two teams who seemed to accomplish this boat challenge handily were snowplow owner Jason — who rowed crew in prep school and took to the oars like an Afghanimal takes to a cute blond — and the theater performer (“My name’s not Rowan for nothing”).

Married ER doctor Travis also struggled through the rowboat challenge, powering through on willpower (“Think of the kids!”) and that express pass incentive. “That express pass is like gold,” Nicole said.

But in their haste to arrive at the pit stop first, Nicole and Travis skimmed over the very important directive to go on foot and hopped in a taxi to the Teatro Municipal de Iquique instead [insert horror music here]. For breaking the cardinal rule of the “Amazing Race,” Phil and his brow of judgment had to slap Nicole and Travis with a 30-minute penalty.

And then bickering Tim and Marie ended up first and with the express passes instead.

To be fair, Nicole and Travis weren’t the only ones guilty of misreading a clue. Jamal was well into the harbor when Leo discovered he was the one who was supposed to be collecting the fish.

Hoskote and Naina also misread who was supposed to collect the fish, and it ended up costing the father-daughter team the competition.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” Naina said. “It ended for us way too soon,” Hoskote concurred. So we’ll never know if this race would have brought the traditional Indian and his modern daughter closer together, or if it would have driven Hoskote to insist that Naina go through with an arranged marriage. But at this leg’s end, Hoskote got the final word: “Father knows best.”

Favorite quotes of the night, from the theater performers. Shane: “You smell like fish.” Rowan: “I’m a good Catholic.”

What do you think, Amazing Racers? Are Tim and Marie the team you love to hate or the team to beat, or both? Which will get older quicker: Leo and Jamal and their trilling war cry, or Rowan and Shane’s insistence on punctuating every achieved challenge with a “Bingo!”? Whom do you have pegged to win the season?

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