'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Season 16 kicks off

By Allyssa Lee

March 19, 2013 12 AM PT

Live from Hollywood: It’s the 16^th season of “Dancing With the Stars!” In the grand ballroom tradition we’ve got our old favorites, some new pros and stars of varying wattages (as Tom said, “We get most of our cast when their judgment’s impaired”) lighting up the glitterverse in all their fringed glory.

The first performance program had each of the twelve couples dancing either the fox trot, the cha cha, or a newly introduced contemporary routine. It was also a non-elimination round, so each couple will have another chance to impress the judges and the viewers before the first elimination occurs next week. Which stars shone the brightest, and which were in danger of fizzling in this Sweet Season 16 bracket? Here’s a rundown:

Oh, Zendaya – you’re missing a last name and your Disney Channel show “Shake it Up!” demos to an age I haven’t seen since the last millennium. But darn it if you didn’t just win me over with your contemporary routine. Val Chmerkovskiy, color me impressed as well. Here I thought all that support and personal attention was reserved specifically for Kelly Monaco. But… “I don’t want you to be good. I want you to be incredible”? You’ve vaulted up the pro ranks, my friend. While her ballroom skills have yet to be tested, Zendaya came out with great promise the first week. She was lithe and elegant with great sync and a nice noodley quality that swayed and bent in time as Val whipped her up and down the floor. “That was amazing, beautiful,” enthused Carrie Ann, raising the roof. She added that Zendaya had “a maturity that’s unexpected out of a 16-year-old.” The young actress and hip-hop dancer had head judge (and newlywed!) Len uttering three words “I’d never thought I’d say in week one: That. Was Great.” “Sweet 16 and superb debut,” said Bruno. Bruno also took care to praise the “wonderful choreography,” which had Val doing his happy dance. Maks who? Total: 24 out of 30.

PHOTOS: Season 16 contestants

Also getting things off to a shimmery start were country singer Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough. Kellie may have been through the “American Idol” circuit, but get her in front of a camera and she’s just a down-home girl with an extra strong twang living in Nashville. She’s seemed to find her match in Derek, and not just because they sport the same haircut. Kellie is goofy yet ambitious: She really wants to push herself “and win that shiny ball.” And her cha cha cha was pretty great. She’s got the swivel, the fringe, and the shimmy down. “Yum yum pig’s bum that was fun,” said Len, even though the legs were a little stiff. Bruno thought “the shapes of things to come look very very interesting.” Carrie Ann thought it was fantastic. “You have incredible torso movement, my darling,” she said. “You’ve got sass and you’ve got class.” Total: 21 – apparently, a lucky Derek Week 1 tradition.

Following in the steps of “DWTS” champ Shawn Johnson is Alexandra “Aly” Raisman, most decorated U.S. gymnast of the London games. Her life up till this point has been all about gymnastics. And now it’s time to let loose and have fun. “Aly, ooh la la!” crowed Bruno. “You can shake it like the best of them … but sometimes stretch the back of the legs, the back of the knees.” Carrie Ann saw a lot of potential in the Olympic gymnast. Only, “I want you to not be so safe,” she said. “I think you can push it a bit more.” Len was pretty effusive, saying “the rhythm and feel were fantastic” and “I loved the vitality you brought to that dance.” She’s got to get that drone out of her voice, though. Total: 21.

Even after all these years, Dorothy Hamill still inspires. The gold-medal winning ice skater at the 1976 Olympics received a diagnosis of breast cancer 5 years ago and credited Kristi Yamaguchi’s “DWTS” stint as her reason to go from week to week. And Dorothy’s still got a way of getting right into America’s heart, as seen in her contemporary routine, set to Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer.” She was the dancer in the snow globe, Tristan MacManus was MacManly with his facial scruff and farmer suspenders who loved her. “Dorothy, you’re already a winner in so many ways,” said Carrie Ann admiringly. “That performance was just golden.” “That dance should be designated an area of outstanding beauty,” said Len, who nevertheless pointed out a “couple of unsteady moments.” Bruno said the “ice queen will melt my heart any time with performance like that.” “Yes, there were a few balance issues … but as a performance, really really good.” Total: 21.

RECAP: Season 15 week-by-week eliminations

Well, hello, Jax! Former “General Hospital” star Ingo Rademacher has returned to ABC as a tanned stand-up paddleboarder living in Hawaii with the tanned and athletic Kym Johnson on his arm. The years have been kind to you, Ingo. And there was so much to admire in your rehearsal footage: the paradise landscape of Hawaii. Practicing lifts, “Dirty Dancing” style, in the beaches’ crystal clear waters. All that athletic prowess. Which definitely helped with the season’s first contemporary routine. Because as (notorious lift Nazi) Carrie Ann explained, lifts were not only allowed in these new contemporary routines, they were required — along with modern lines and something called “contact improv.” And this routine, set to contemporary anthem “Yellow,” by Coldplay, had more lifts than a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon’s office. What’s more, “You were able to still have the connection to Kym and the connection to the music,” Carrie Ann lauded. Len, however, was not convinced. “I didn’t see dance,” he harrumphed. Bruno saw a little bit of Bradley Cooper in “Silver Linings Playbook” in that performance: “ingenuity and heartfelt passion.” Plus, “the lunges were good!” Total: 20.

Situated in the anchor position were Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Jacoby Jones and his pro partner Karina Smirnoff. And no one can accuse this Super Bowl champ of not having any swagger. After being sidelined with knee surgery that kept him on the bench up until a week before the premiere, Jacoby came at his cha cha with full force (if not much technique) and transformed the ballroom into Club DWTS, glow sticks and all. Bruno thought Jacoby could “grind it as well as I’ve seen … but you have to really work on your foot placement [and] control your posture.” Len, however, was calling shenanigans. “It was all icing and no cake,” the head judge poo-pooed. “The technique was terrible.” “It was like a big old medley of touchdown dances,” Carrie Ann astutely summed up. Jacoby was still feeling winded as he and Karina made their way up to the skybox. “There’s no play in the NFL that lasts a minute and 36 seconds.” Time to shape up if you’re here to play the long game. Total: 20.

Bachelor Sean Lowe just got engaged, and already he’s been seen slinking around with another woman. Awkward? Yes, well, a little bit. But let’s give him points for trying. The most recent Bachelor said he joined “DWTS” to learn how to dance so he won’t embarrass his future wife. Not sure if the mission was accomplished this first week out. Pro partner Peta Murgatroyd encouraged the family values guy to “grab himself a little bit” and get acquainted with all the moving parts between his chest and stomach and legs and arms. And their resulting fox trot, set to squeaky-clean Huey Lewis and the News’ “Power of Love,” was sort of like a human pinball game – smooth in some parts and jerky in others. “I liked it, I didn’t like it a lot,” huffed Len. “It lacked finesse [and there was] no real quality of movement.” Bruno went for maximum blush effect. “For a dance virgin, you have a very effective pelvic thrust,” the judge said. “You have to put refinement and finesse into it.” “You have this fearless exuberance,” said Carrie Ann. “That’s going to take you far in the competition.” Total: 19.

Boxing champ “Vicious” Victor Ortiz has his share of hard knocks. His mother walked out when he was 7. Five years later, his dad followed suit, leaving Victor and his brother and sister to fend for themselves. But Victor learned that when you’re knocked down, you have to get up again. And when you break your jaw, you have to come do “DWTS.” Paired 19-year-old newbie pro Lindsay Arnold (fresh from her “So You Think You Can Dance” stint), who has a great matter-of-factness to her (“How bad do I suck?” “Like, a four”) Victor may not prance around in a fox suit like he might have hoped, but he sure infused some of that fighting spirit into his fox trot routine. Check out his arm extension! Bruno gave the pugilist points for his boyish charm and Latin passion – not to mention his “wonderful sweep of the floor.” Only, “work on your frame and don’t throw your arms away,” the judge warned. Carrie Ann enjoyed his great posture and charm. “I loved seeing this side of you,” she said. “You sparkle!” Len thought it was “a little uneventful,” but said he looked forward to getting his socks knocked off in next week’s jive. Total: 18.

PHOTOS: Celebrity portraits by The Times

Initially I had pegged Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump and new partner Gleb Savchenko as the couple most likely to be booted off the competition first. I don’t watch “RHOBH” and that dog seemed surgically attached to its owner like a lifeless prop. But then I was won over by Lisa’s drolly charming comments about tapping into ballroom’s sensual side (“If we were that shy, we wouldn’t be connected to our private parts!”), Gleb captivated me with his Slavic-lovechild-of-James-Marsden,-James-Brolin-and-Peter-Facinelli looks (“There’s a new man in our lives,” Lisa explained), and darn it if Pomeranian Giggy also didn’t win me over with his complete lack of enthusiasm at all that sparkle (Tom: “I think he’s hammered”). Okay, so her technique wasn’t so great (Len said their fox trot “was acceptable, but it wasn’t exceptional”), but as Bruno said, Lisa and Gleb are “a good pairing.” “Overall, it was very nice and easy on the eyes,” said Carrie Ann. But the judge suggested Lisa get her feet under her, and hold her own. “I’d rather hold my own than his,” Lisa winked back. Someone give this woman her own show! Oh, wait… Total: 18.

After taking care of her ailing husband for the last 7 months, country star Wynonna Judd is taking a turn for herself. Teamed up with (reigning champ!) Tony Dovolani, they are a force to be reckoned with. Wynonna was feeling the spirit in her cha cha cha (led by that Galadriel-esque Harold Wheeler band member) — so much so that she popped up from her seat in the church of “DWTS” and shook her moneymaker on the stained glass dance floor. Len thought she “came out and did a very good job,” though he thought “It was a little bit careful here and there.” Bruno thought the timing was good, the steps in place, but asked the 5-time Grammy winner “to deliver larger.” “I thought she was working it,” Carrie Ann said, but she agreed with Len and Bruno: “You could give a little more … you’ve got it, honey. It’s there!” Love Wynonna’s upper-lip snarl. Loved how mother Naomi took her camera time to get the audience to vote for her daughter. And also loved Wynonna’s effusive praise of the show and her partner: “This is the hardest job I’ve ever loved,” she announced. “Tony is a rock star.” Amen. Total: 18.

Andy Dick has come a long way. After establishing himself as a comic actor, his drinking and drug use got out of control, “and I love everything.” Currently he’s sober “and working hard at it,” and considers “DWTS” the “biggest opportunity I’ve ever had because it’s undeserved.” Basically, he tells Sharna Burgess (bumped up from the Troupe!) that he’ll do whatever she says. Though his biggest obstacle may be himself. During a rehearsal, the funnyman broke down and wanted to quit. “I’m afraid to be bad for you and us,” he said, dabbing his eyes. And while I thought their resulting fox trot started out a bit skittish and awkward, I did think it got better as the routine went on. The judges were not as kind. “It was like watching Woody Allen doing the fox trot – it had kind of a skittish charm,” said Bruno. But “it could have been much much smoother.” Carrie Ann likened Andy to “the ugly duckling come to life,” but said “you touched me with that dance.” Len said the dance had “the fluidity of Robocop,” and then was surprised that they “boo the old guy.” “It’s gotta have smoothness!” Total: 17.

Oh, D.L. Hughley. I don’t know how you’re going to joke yourself out of this one. Even two-time champ Cheryl Burke can’t save you out of the dancing hole you’ve dug (low) for yourself. Okay, you’ve got the “legs of a chicken, but the heart of a lion.” But there was no saving this sad, stagnant cha cha that we were made to witness. Let’s just cover it with an illuminated hoodie, pour out some Hennessy, and let it die with some dignity. “D.L, OMG,” tsked Bruno. “You have terminated the cha cha cha.” Bruno thought the routine was under rehearsed, and was off timing. Carrie Ann stuttered her critique. “Oh, Boogie Fantastic, I’ve got some bad news,” she said. “You’ve gotta go back to work and practice for next week.” Len said the routine was “rough.” “You’ve got to work your butt off, otherwise it’s the boulevard of broken dreams,” he said. “This. Was. No. Good.” Neither was the score, which appeared to have rendered D.L. speechless. Total: 12.

It’s not looking good for either of the comedians after this first week. What do you think, ballroom fans? How do you feel this Sweet Season 16 bracket? Is there any hope for D.L.? Are you missing some of our old pros, like Maks and Anna Trebunskaya?

Do you think Brooke’s comment about Andy Dick’s addiction “went there”? Who did “DWTS” Troupe member Sasha upset to be relegated to the part of dog valet? And who are your early picks to win it all?

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