‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Emily transforms into a W.Va. hood-rat

Well, who knew Miss Southern Belle was really a “West Virginia hood-rat” in disguise?

Gawwww-lee, did we get to see a different side of our bachelorette Monday night. Because the second you mess with Ricki Tick, Emily will go “back woods” on your behind.

That’s right -- one of our silly suitors, luxury brand consultant Kalon, was foolish enough to express serious doubts about the responsibility of becoming a father. He referred to Emily’s daughter Ricki as -- dun, dun, dun -- “baggage.”

Oh, no he didn’t.When single father Doug got wind of Kalon’s comment, he couldn’t keep the news to himself, rushing to divulge the gossip to Emily.

“I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them,” the Barbie-turned-Hulk fumed.

Instead, Emily daintily took off her leather jacket and proceeded to chew Kalon out in front of the rest of the dudes on a group date, telling him Ricki was a blessing and accusing him of not even having the tiniest of hearts. When Kalon had no more to say for himself, Emily promptly told him to “get the ... out.”

That’s what I like to see, girlfriend! It’s too bad it took anger to draw Emily out of her perfect shell, but at the very least, I loved seeing her feisty side.

“I’m worried about my own judgment,” she lamented after Kalon departed. “How could I let someone that terrible slip through the cracks?”

Um, I’m not sure. Because his arrival via helicopter really should have been the first and final red flag.

Nonetheless, Kalon and his child-bashing began to taint Emily’s “Bachelorette” experience, which had so far otherwise been entirely pure and upstanding. With Kalon’s words clouding her head, it seemed Emily quickly forgot about her date with Sean, whom she appeared to be utterly smitten with.

Judging from the reaction on Twitter Monday night, “Bachelorette” nation is loving Sean, which I have to admit, I really don’t get. Dude is bland. Like, blander than Emily bland. This is a man who uttered the words “London’s calling, and I’m going to answer it!” A man who let Emily play tour guide in London -- a woman whose favorite tourist spots included the place where Princess Diana got married, and another where Prince William and the former Kate Middleton kissed after they wed.

Emily was dropping historical wisdom like she was some U.K. expert -- especially when she and Sean went up to the Tower of London. There, she revealed, King Henry the 8th once locked up all his wives and beheaded two of them. Totes romantic.

Moments later, Sean told Emily it had been the best day he’d ever had in his life -- “Easily. By far.”

So, just ruminate on that for a second, folks.

While Sean doesn’t have much of a personality, at least he’s not full of it, like Ryan, who is slowly winning Emily over with his gift-giving skills good looks and charm. Ryan finally got his first kiss with Emily during a group date, when the guys had to read Shakespeare and I wanted to kill myself. I understand some of the old-school language is difficult to decipher, but really, Arie? You don’t know what the word “jaunt” means? I’d suggest you look that up, or your time with Emily may not end up being much more than a jaunt. (I went there. I’m sorry.)

Anyway, Ryan got to smooch Emily during a scene, which he was beyond jazzed about.

“The stage kiss? That was the best part of my acting, is that I made it come off real -- because it kind of was.”

Yep. I’m just going to present that one with no comment.

Later that evening, Ryan pulled Em aside to tell her he wanted to make sure the pair shared more than just a physical attraction, and said he wanted her to know he was taking a “real approach to this.” Then he gave her a necklace. Apparently, money can buy love, since Emily acknowledged later that she’d turned a corner with Mr. You-Can’t-Get Fat-If-We-Get-Married.

Thankfully, Jef and his pompadour got the second and final one-on-one date, and I think he is totally adorbs. He looks 18 and talks way too much when he’s nervous, but his lack of pretense is refreshing.

Emily showed up for her date in one of her 49 trench coats, and the pair ended up ditching a lame, staged etiquette class for a pub. There, Jef tried to let Emily know that he certainly didn’t view Ricki as baggage -- and if she was, she’d be “a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever.”

Emily said Ricksters was more like a vintage Louis Vuitton. This, my friends, is the stuff dreams are made of.

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Follow Amy Kaufman on Twitter @AmyKinLA