‘Bachelor’ recap: On hometown dates, siblings question playboy Sean

Oh, snap. Someone’s brother is getting a major nuggie tonight.

Surely, there have been overprotective parents on hometown dates past. But the siblings were just not down with “The Bachelor” this season. Desiree’s brother straight-up called Sean a “playboy.” And let’s just say that did not improve lovely Dez’s chances at the Neil Lane bling.

But more on that later.

First, it was time for AshLee’s date in Houston. She met Sean in a field outside of her family’s McMansion with her tiny dog who was so small he was not visible in the tall grass. AshLee told Sean that her dad makes his living as a pastor and -- hallelujah! -- Sean revealed his dad is a reverend. Then AshLee turned into a Disney princess and her eyes popped out of her head in glee and she started spewing cliches like “he is going to be the man to protect my heart” and “I’ve been dreaming about this day since I was 4!”

Finally, AshLee momentarily snapped out of her love-daze and led Sean to her adoptive parents, who were sitting at a dining room table that had been awkwardly placed in said field. There were even wooden-backed chairs. It was weird.

AshLee told her ‘rents about all of the “uh-may-zing” things she and Sean had done together over the last few weeks, like this polar bear plunge which helped her leave her “fear of abandonment” behind. She also told her religious dad that she and Sean “rolled around in the sand” a lot in St. Croix and then I rolled into the ocean and drowned myself because I was so embarrassed.

Overall, their date went well, and I can totally see Sean and AshLee living their perfect little Texan life in a gated community and going to church every Sunday and hosting BBQs and being proud Americans. I would just prefer if he doesn’t go that route.

Why, instead, doesn’t he move to Seattle and sling fish with Catherine at the farmer’s market for a living? K, I’m kidding, but I’m not, because I love Catherine. I think she and Sean have the most natural relationship of anyone remaining in the “competition,” and it was evident how much Sean liked her when he revealed that he never has to “worry about being the cool guy” in front of her.

The only problem was, Catherine’s family actually acknowledged that “The Bachelor” has an incredibly low-success rate and were skeptical about the veracity of a relationship formed on reality television. And Sean didn’t like that.

Like any good sisters, Catherine’s two siblings grilled her about her new boyfriend, wondering how she went from taking the show as a joke to actually falling for Sean. Then they kind of threw Catherine under the bus, telling Sean that she is messy and sassy and needs “someone who can handle her moods.” Oh, and then her mom didn’t give Sean her blessing to marry Catherine when he asked for it.

But hey, forget the family with legitimate concerns! Let’s jump to Lindsay, whose mother seemed more interested in taking Sean for herself than having her daughter marry him. I mean, seriously dudes, did you see how intently she was leaning into him during their one-on-one? No wonder Sean felt right at home in good ol’ Fort Leonard Wood, Mo.

Blah. I can’t even talk about the rest of their date because it was so contrived. Lindsay bought Sean some Army clothes because her dad was a two-star general. Then she made him do pushups with her 90-pound body on his back and situps where she kissed him in between. JUST LIKE BOOT CAMP!

Even though Lindsay warned that her dad was a stern military man, he actually gave Sean his blessing to wed his daughter pretty easily. But not before giving him a lecture about being a paratrooper and managing risk. Sean just nodded his head, and so did I.

Off to Los Angeles, where we found Dez wearing some Angeleno-inspired neon yoga gear and ready to go for a hike. Us locals call that lovely stretch of dirt road with a view of smoggy downtown and the scent of dog excrement Runyon Canyon.

After the “we’re just a normal couple doing normal couple things!” portion of the date, Dez brought Sean to her home. I could not decipher what part of L.A. she lived in, but it’s clear she shared a casa with lots of people, because that abode was far too nice for any one young bridal consultant to live in alone. Save for the artwork, which Dez apparently made herself. I won’t devote too much time to said art, but let’s just say it looked like her process involved gluing tuille flowers from JoAnn’s Fabrics onto canvases. She must have some, uh, understanding roommates.

Ugh, and then there was this really lame stunt where Dez tried to get Sean back for pranking her earlier in the season. (Remember? When she “broke” a super expensive sculpture in a faux art gallery? GOOD ONE.) Anyway, Dez invited over some horrible actor named Nick to pretend to be her boyfriend barging in to steal her back from “The Bachelor.” The whole skit lasted for about a minute before Dez couldn’t keep a straight face anymore. And then Nick went back to waiting tables.

Oh, if only the appearance by Dez’s crazy brother had all been a fallacy, too. But alas, Dez’s brother Nathan -- who we over here at my Bachelor Pad have taken to calling “Hand-Tats” after his resplendent hand ink -- verbally assaulted Sean during his visit with Dez’s family. Only moments into dinner, Nathan asked Sean if he could “holla” at him outside. Unfortunately, Sean obliged.

Outside by Dez’s way-too-nice pool, Nathan accused Sean of being a playboy, saying he wasn’t as into Dez as she was into him. Sean tried to defend himself, but Nathan wouldn’t back off, telling his family that he didn’t think Sean was the right one for Dez. Dez’s poor, sweet parents tried to talk about the weather, pointing out that where they are from, there are “four distinct seasons,” unlike this crazy Los Angeles place. But it was still awk, and Sean departed ASAP.

After his atrocious interaction with Hand-Tats, Sean told Chris Harrison that he was considering sending either Dez or Catherine home, which obviously infuriated me. That’s not predictable at all, bro. Keep the women whose parents are ready to give their daughter away to a dude they’ve met for an hour. That’s a great call. Keep it simple. Why complicate things with actual rationale or logic?

BAH. Dez tried to save herself, pulling Sean aside right as he was about to give out the roses and apologizing for Hand-Tats and his ugly tats and his ugly ‘tude. After their talk, Sean gave AshLee and Lindsay their roses, and then dramatically took a pause to go and contemplate things in the room with all the framed headshots. Because if you stare at a headshot long enough, your true wife will be revealed to you! Just like a crystal ball.

The headshot gods decided it was time for Dez to pack her glittery dresses and go.

Listen, all I can say is that if he doesn’t pick Catherine, he deserves having his socks color-coordinated by professional organizer AshLee for the rest of his life.

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