Late Night: Pro-Chick-fil-A Stephen Colbert says, ‘I’m straight’

While Americans are coming together to win gold medals in London and landing rovers on Mars, at home they remain bitterly divided over Chick-fil-A. On Monday night, Stephen Colbert addressed the ongoing fried-chicken fracas, which is the latest (and possibly most ridiculous) front in the ongoing culture wars.

He began with a brief rundown of the controversy, which began when Chick-Fil-A president Dan Cathy admitted that his company is “guilty as charged” when it comes to their opposition to gay marriage. Colbert, for one, wasn’t surprised by the news because even Cathy’s name is “boy-girl.”

In response to calls for boycotts from gay-rights advocates, former Arkansas governor and “walking fried-food museum” Mike Huckabee encouraged fellow conservatives to show their support last Wednesday, which he dubbed “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.” The initiative drew massive crowds and fueled what may have been the best business day in the chain’s history -- or, Colbert joked, “the worst day in history” according to chickens.

Chick-fil-A’s ongoing success could provide a model for other small businesses in a sluggish economy, Colbert argued.

“Just associate your product with a divisive political position, and wait for the cash to roll in. Hey La-Z-Boy, why not run ads that say, ‘You know who’s lazy? Mexicans,’” the host said. He also offered up a revised tagline for Pringles: “‘Once you pop, you can’t stop requiring women to get transvaginal ultrasounds.’”

“We must not lose sight of what this is really about: oppression,” Colbert urged his viewers. Prompted by an ad broadcast on Fox News Radio which denounced the “anti-Christian, anti-chicken heterophobic bigots” behind the Chick-fil-A boycotts, Colbert made his own jaw-dropping confession.

“Nation, I’m straight,” he said. “There was a time that I hid the fact I wasn’t gay. Of course the clues were always there — the pleated khakis, my love of Nickelback. But today I say guilty as charged, and I am proud to shout we’re straight, we’re great, get used to it.”

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Follow Meredith Blake on Twitter @MeredithBlake