What to buy the eldest immigrant daughter in your life for Christmas

By Suzy ExpositoDe Los Columnist

Dec. 21, 2023 10:54 AM PT

Christmas has long been sold around the world as, to quote the balladeer Andy Williams, “the most wonderful time of the year.” Yet for first-born children whose families depend heavily on their labor, Christmas may not evoke the same enchanting memories.

Take it from the eldest of five kids: When I think of Christmas, I cannot remember the last time I thought about cheer, caroling or marshmallows. Instead, I think of the rising costs of traveling home for the holidays; of getting age-appropriate gifts for my siblings; of having enough blankets; and most of all, I think about how I’m going to manage my family’s high expectations.

A growing coalition of young women across social media have rallied around their experiences as eldest daughters who, like me, come from immigrant families with traditional values. This week Yoonji Han at Business Insider highlighted two rising support groups that I follow online — the Eldest Daughter Club and the U.K.-based Home Girls Unite — which populate their pages with tips for overburdened daughters, keen to break free from family systems that have long demanded their time, labor, finances and even their moral purity.

(This means no mistletoeing for you, ladies; but it also means, “When are you giving us grandkids?”)

Such demands tend to be exacerbated around the holidays, when families get together from near and far … to leave women and girls scrambling to address everyone else’s needs. And before you fire off another “what about men” email, take a look at the stats: 74% of women, who take on a disproportionate amount of domestic labor in the U.S., report more stress during the holidays, says Forbes.

So if you’re the parent or sibling of a chronically stressed eldest immigrant daughter, here are some gift recommendations — both serious and purely satirical — in the spirit of the season!

This list is purely for fun and may apply to first-borns of any gender. The L.A. Times gets no commission for any of these products. For good measure, we’ve also added an inexpensive, preferred alternative to each section.

Noise-canceling headphones

Receiving unsolicited negative feedback about one’s personal choices is a universal Christmas gift for daughters across cultures. We must steel ourselves to hear it all. “She’s too fat,” or “she’s too skinny.” Either she’s “not making enough money” or she “makes so much and she’s too good for us.” She “needs a boyfriend” — and it’s always gotta be a boyfriend — or “her boyfriend’s not rich/good-looking enough.”

And, as if she hasn’t already helped raise a family, they remind her — at the dinner table, in front of a live audience — that her eggs will expire if she doesn’t hurry up and have somebody’s children.

So how about a pair of noise-canceling headphones? We’ve included a pair of earbuds that she can hide under her hair (or funky hat).

Soundcore Over-Ear Headphones: $99.99

Apple AirPods Pro: $179.99

Bose QuietComfort Wireless Noise Canceling Headphones: $249.99

There’s also the budget option, which we call “minding your own business:” $0

Carry-on luggage set

Is her back hurting from carrying all that generational trauma? Why not cram it into some beautiful luggage?

Calpak Ambeur 3-Piece Luggage Set: $495

Samsonite 2-Piece Luggage Set: $149.99

Travelers Club Midtown Hardside 4-Piece Luggage Travel Set: $108.31

Pausing before projecting your worst traumas, fears and anxieties onto her: $0

LED face mask

Is the stress of being the family maid, chauffeur and/or nanny showing up in the form of hormonal acne and wrinkles? Try a fancy face mask.

Cleopatra LED Mask - $299

Omnilux Contour Face - $395

Dr Dennis Gross SpectraLite™ FaceWare Pro - $455

Keeping your comments about her appearance to yourself: $0

Mandatory spa time

Many E.I.D.s would never make time for self-care unless it was imposed on them. So, buy yours a gift certificate to a local spa or salon, where she can book an appointment at her earliest convenience. (Tip: make it a bonding activity by booking an appointment for yourself at the same time!)

Wi Spa Gift Card: $100 and up

Massage Envy Gift Card: $75 and up

Gift Card to Tomoko Spa in Beverly Hills: $350 and up

Running a hot bath and leaving her alone: $0

Virtual therapy

A lifetime of anticipating others’ feelings before her own is bound to take a toll on her mind. However, do not just gift her a BetterHelp coupon without talking it out first: Gently ask if therapy is something she has tried before and would be interested in. If she’s open to it, and has decent health insurance, offer to pay for the first two to three sessions if possible.

Opening the lines of communication by thanking her for being so mindful of others: $0

A Tarot deck

Giving an eldest immigrant daughter adult responsibilities from a young age can often result in a controlling, Type A personality. Although your family may think of her as bossy and insufferable, she’s only doing what’s natural for a girl who’s been paying bills since high school — and that’s calling all the shots. With a Tarot deck, she can let someone else make decisions for her ... like perhaps a nebulous higher power.

Pocket Rider-Waite Tarot: $18.95

The Wild Unknown Pocket Tarot Guidebook and Deck: $17.99

Lisa Sterle’s Modern Witch Tarot Deck: $21.99

Booking your own appointments and mediating your own conflicts without consulting her: $0

A gift card

So ... you didn’t plan far enough in advance to buy or make her something unique. Well, she’s probably used to it! Besides, your E.I.D. probably knows exactly she wants, but she might not know how to ask. And she certainly does not want a set of scented bath soaps from Marshall’s. With a gift card, you can’t go wrong!

Target Gift Card: $10 and up

Macy’s Gift Card: $10 and up

Sephora Gift Card: $10 and up

Delta Airlines Gift Card: $300 (is probably the minimum amount to be worth it)

Being a kinder parent and/or sibling to the eldest in your life: $0