TNT’s Remake of ‘Virginian’ Has a Belly Full of Lead

“You the one they call the Virginian?”

“Yeah, what of it, stranger?”

“You seen TNT’s remake of your story? Well, I have and, boy howdy, I never knew a western could be so dull. Did the Gary Cooper version saunter along this leisurely? Well, even so, this new one makes you seem more slowpoke than cowpoke.”

The Virginian whips his gun out of his holster, quick as lightning. “When you call me that, smile.”

“Forget the gunplay, friend. Even if you shut me up, Sunday night’s viewers are going to find out for themselves. Besides, there’s no way you could shoot me full of any more holes than this plot has. Didn’t anyone working from Larry Gross’ teleplay have the least concern for character development or smooth story progression? And how did the actors speak that stilted, faux-old-fashioned dialogue without laughing themselves silly?

“Now, you correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the folks behind this movie say they were trying to make a faithful adaptation of Owen Wister’s 1902 novel, which inspired a play and several movies, launched a TV series, and set the standard for so many westerns that followed? Well, this saddle-sore soap opera seems a sorry tribute to your proud 1880s Wyoming Territory tale of a transplanted Virginian who struggles to reconcile honor with treachery, friendship with retribution.

“Playing you, the usually likable Bill Pullman is as wooden as a fence post, which makes it a mite difficult to understand what Diane Lane’s beautiful, strong-willed schoolmarm sees in him. And while it might have seemed a fun idea, the casting of James Drury, the title player in the ‘60s TV series, in a bad-guy cameo is a mere waste of talent. As for Pullman’s first-time work as a director, I can’t say I notice much here, other than an excessive fondness for cheesy slow-motion effects.

“Still, there’s one thing I like. The land--seen in panoramic shots of rolling, craggy countryside--is treated as a central character. It’s an untamed place, as dangerous as it is beautiful--and somehow, it brings out these qualities in the men and women who venture there. Too bad, though, that the filmmakers set up their cameras in Alberta, Canada, rather than giving us the real Wyoming.

“So, you still want to shoot me full of lead? Or are you going to point that thing where you should: at the folks who made this movie?”

*

* “The Virginian” airs Sunday at 8 p.m. on TNT, repeating at 10 p.m. and midnight. The cable network has rated it TV-14-L-V (may be unsuitable for children younger than 14, with advisories for coarse language and violence).