Jordan Is Not Very Animated

I just saw “Space Jam,” starring Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan, and here is my review: It’s the “Citizen Kane” of cartoon rabbit basketball movies! A compelling piece of work by Mr. Bunny, stretching his toon-given gifts to prove himself worthy of being more than merely Mr. Jordan’s supporting cast. Thumbs up, doc.

As for Mr. Jordan, don’t quit your night job.

Professional athletes are always being used as actors. In my lifetime, I have actually seen a film that co-starred O.J. Simpson and Fred Astaire, a film that turned Rosey Grier and Ray Milland into a monster with two heads, plus a film in which Howie Long was about to destroy John Travolta, but jumped off sides.

I have seen Joe Namath share a motorcycle with Ann-Margret, have seen Alex Karras play a gay bodyguard to James Garner and have seen Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fight to the death with Bruce Lee.

I have seen Terry Bradshaw thrown out a window with Burt Reynolds, have seen Patrick Ewing as an angel of death in an “Exorcist” movie, have seen NBA star Alex English blown to bits while protesting the use of nuclear weapons, and have seen Steve Garvey shot by a terrorist seizing control of a nuclear missile site. (Believe me, I am not making any of this up.)

I have seen Babe Ruth play himself in a movie about a man dying of a terrible disease (“Pride of the Yankees”), have seen several Chicago Bears play themselves in a movie about a man dying of a terrible disease (“Brian’s Song”) and have seen Julius Erving play himself in a movie about a man dying of a terrible disease (“Philadelphia”).

I have seen Roman Gabriel as an Indian scout to John Wayne, have seen Jim Bouton play a playboy shot to death by Elliott Gould and have seen Mary Lou Retton play an Oscar-winning actress who cartwheels her way to the stage to accept her award.

I have seen the Harlem Globetrotters on “Gilligan’s Island,” but let’s not talk about that.

I have seen Bo Jackson, Bubba Smith, Dick Butkus, Fred Dryer, Fred Williamson, Ben Davidson, John Matuszak, Brian Bosworth and practically everybody who ever played pro football, with the possible exceptions of Todd Marinovich and Y.A. Tittle.

But this, this film with Jordan and Bunny, the air and the hare, this breaks new ground.

It opens up all sorts of possibilities.

I can see the studio heads now, taking meetings, offering mineral water to everyone who steps through the door, including the man delivering the mineral water, then listening to pitches for blockbuster new films, co-starring sports figures with cartoon characters.

For instance:

“Dennis Rodman and Daffy Duck.” One hops around, makes funny noises and acts generally insane. The other is the duck.

“Roberto Alomar and Tweety Pie.” With or without Sylvester the cat, poor Tweety can’t get away from some character who spits.

“Tonya Harding and Elmer Fudd.” A hunting we will go, a hunting we will go . . . shhh, be vewy, vewy quiet.

“Tiger Woods and the Lion King.” Around the 18th green, animals sing Elton John’s “The Circle of Life.”

“Michael Johnson and the Road Runner.” You can’t catch either one.

And so on.

Michael Jordan could have chosen many co-stars for his first film venture. Let’s face it, Mike is a man of many talents. He could have starred with Kevin Costner as a golfer, starred with Kevin Costner as a baseball player, or starred with Kenny Rogers as a gambler.

In “Space Jam,” the film opens with Michael Jordan looking into a mirror, seeing two faces, then singing out of both of them. No, wait. That’s the Streisand thing. I sometimes get these stars confused, especially since Barbra did that film “What’s Up, Doc?”

In “Space Jam,” Michael makes threats not to play ball until somebody pays him $30 million. No, wait. That’s the Mel Gibson thing.

Let me start over.

In “Space Jam,” Michael plays “Michael,” a young basketball player who decides to become an old baseball player. Little does he know that an evil basketball promoter--this is fiction, because, as we all know, there are no evil basketball promoters, only evil boxing promoters--plots to kidnap a team of Looney Tunes characters led by Bugs Bunny, who stars as himself.

The climax pits Mike and Bugs against a basketball team led by Ewing, Larry Johnson, little Muggsy Bogues, 7-foot-6 Shawn Bradley (tallest star of a cartoon since Foghorn Leghorn) and, of course, Charles Barkley, just the role model we want in our PG-rated films.

Fortunately, no cartoon animals were spat on in the making of this film.