COMMENTARY : After Brenda, Whither Shannen? : Will ‘90210’ Remain the Pinnacle of Doherty’s Career? Not If She Reads This

Winona Ryder: “Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?”

Shannen Doherty: “Because I can be.” --from “Heathers” (1989)

There’s one theory concerning Shannen Doherty that suggests that, in fact, she is not a limited actress with unlimited attitude; that she’s actually a truly fine thespian who simply never realized that they wrapped shooting on “Heathers” years ago.

Nonetheless, Doherty joined the ranks of the unemployed last week when it was announced that she would not be returning as lovable, corn-fed Midwesterner Brenda Walsh on “Beverly Hills, 90210” next season. Such earth-shattering news came suspiciously when everyone associated with the program was on vacation and utterly unreachable, meaning no one but no one would be around to comment until early next year, when the whole thing (they hope) will have blown over. (Only Ian Ziering, who plays the cocky Steve Sanders on “90210,” has issued a comment, simply stating that he “wishes Shannen Doherty well.”)

But Doherty got it right when she told People magazine last year, “One thing I know is, I won’t be playing 17 when I’m 30.” The question is, will Doherty be playing anything? Or has her reputation run roughshod over her career? Her zany antics in clubs, cars and pricey boutiques all around town have made her the tabloids’ cover girl of choice and even inspired an anti-Shannen newsletter, book and CD (and all this at the tender age of 22!--what had Albert Einstein done at that age?).

When one has a brand, spanking-new husband at home (Doherty and 19-year-old Ashley Hamilton are celebrating three months of wedded bliss and three months and three weeks of actually knowing each other), job hunting can be an awfully arduous enterprise. So we did some groundwork for her--anything to prevent another former child-star from going bad.

Here are some possibilities for Shannen’s Life After Brenda:

* Doherty wouldn’t even have to learn any lines appearing in monster costumes in low-budget science-fiction movies. Directors could motivate her to destroy tiny cardboard villages in a fierce rampage by telling her, “Sorry, Shannen, we couldn’t get you a limo, but the gaffer can take you home in his ’87 Hyundai.”

* Given her experience with the legal system, she could make an insightful commentator for Court-TV (“Jim, a restraining order means that the defendant cannot come within 100 yards of the plaintiff”), or perhaps sell handguns via the Home Shopping Network, while advising viewers how to max out their credit cards.

* She and “90210” co-star Tori Spelling could headline a remake of “Thelma & Louise,” only this time, audiences would root for the cops.

* Doherty could replace Robert Conrad on those “Go ahead--knock this battery off my shoulder” TV commercials.

* Given her talent for butting heads, she’d be a natural as a color announcer on Fox’s NFL games next year (“You call that a hit? The guy’s getting back up! What a wimpy tackle!”).

* Rumor has it that Sam Donaldson doesn’t get along all that well with Diane Sawyer, who’s reportedly in talks with CBS. So maybe Sam and Shannen would get along swimmingly co-anchoring “PrimeTime Live”: In her advocacy journalism reports, she could try to run over the heads of corrupt corporations with her Mercedes.

* She could bring her colorful vocabulary to “NYPD Blue” and put ABC’s standards and practices department to the test.

* Were Tom and Roseanne Arnold to marry Shannen and Ashley instead of their assistant, it might just create thermonuclear tabloid meltdown. At least it’d be worth trying.

* Turning to the stage always revives the serious actor. A dinner-theater tour of “Love Letters” with Paul Reubens or Danny Bonaduce would be a sure-fire smash, or she could take the lead in an avant-garde, Off Broadway, all-woman musical about the life of Sam Kinison.

* Doherty could play a recurring role on “Cops” or “America’s Most Wanted.”

* She could fill in whenever Beavis or Butt-head are sick.

* Given her conservative politics (she led last year’s Republican National Convention in the Pledge of Allegiance), she and Rush Limbaugh would be perfect partners for a “Battle of the Network Egos.”

* Next on “Oprah”: Women who hate the men they love too much.

* Michael Jackson could hire her to do something bizarre enough to take our minds off his problems.

* Perhaps the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow will have an opening for the “Incredible Crooked Eyeball Lady.”

* There’s always “Former Celebrity Week” on “Family Feud.”

* And, let’s face it, someone’s gonna have to play Sean Young in “The James Woods Story.”