‘I Foresee Your Phone Bill Rising’ : Television: They ask questions. They consult their cards or read the energy off the word processor. They see the future. They’re ‘Psychic Friends.’

Infomercials--those half-hour commercials that resemble talk shows and other actual programs--continue to flood the airwaves.

You may recall my hair-raising, in-depth report on an infomercial for a spray that is supposed to hide bald spots. Testing the product on my own head took great courage.

And now another bold expose. The target this time is an arresting infomercial that has been running for some time on several channels. It’s called: “The Psychic Friends Network.”

“Psychic to the stars” Linda Georgian and singer Dionne Warwick co-host this infomercial in talk-show style, eliciting testimonials from members of a studio audience who explain how they’ve benefited from the Psychic Friends Network. (A similar format is used on the rival “Kebrina’s Psychic Answer.”)

One of the half-hour’s highlights is a gripping re-enactment of a man meeting the voluptuous woman of his dreams in the produce section of a grocery store, as Georgian had assured him he would. It takes two trips to the store but, finally, in between the lettuce and cucumbers, there she is. The man does a double take. He introduces himself to the striking woman, and they leave together, presumably with more on their minds than salad.

The good news is that all of us can share in this bounty because, as the infomercial promises, “one of America’s premier psychics” is only a phone call away. “All it takes,” says Georgian, “is a telephone and an open mind.” And, of course, the $3.99 it costs for each minute of conversation.

I dialed the 900 number on the screen for a listing of the network’s psychic friends. There are hundreds of them spread across the country, linked to the system by a central computer. Choosing four at random, I dialed each separately, feeding each a different phony story and asking for a psychic reading. Each of them asked my name and date of birth. The results:

*

“Martha”: In a thick Southern accent, Martha professed to be a clairvoyant who read Tarot cards and communicated with the spirits.

I told her I was a gay man whose bisexual lover was leaving me to return to his wife. “What’s ahead for me?” I asked.

“Let me see what I can pick up for you,” Martha said. She left the line for about 30 seconds (running up my tab almost $2).

She was back. “I’m picking up that you are very depressed, very depressed,” Martha said.

She was right. I was getting depressed thinking about the cost.

“I do feel he’s going back to his wife,” Martha said about my “lover,” repeating what I had told her. “But I feel there’s something legal he’ll be signing in about three months. I don’t think he’s going to stay with his wife. I believe that he’s going to stay three months and come back.”

“That’s wonderful news,” I said.

“He and his wife didn’t get along, did they?” Martha said.

“No, they didn’t,” I said.

“I feel that he will get a divorce from her,” Martha said.

Of course, a divorce. That would be legal paper.

“Don’t argue with him,” Martha said. “Just give him some time and some space, and he will be back.”

I thanked Martha, who then gave me a personal number where I could contact her for follow-up psychic readings “at a little lower cost.”

*

“Peleeatah”: I told Peleeatah my wife was leaving me for a woman. “God!” she replied.

Obviously, she cared.

Peleeatah must have heard me sigh. “You can’t help but take this as a blow to your ego,” she continued. “This has nothing to do with your manhood. What she is looking for is some emotional closeness she didn’t get from you.”

After I sighed again, Peleeatah broke the good news. “I see you meeting a very special lady soon. I don’t see it happening right away, so you need to get in a lot of practice.”

I forgot to ask Peleeatah how she was getting her information, but it did sound on the money. “Does this mean my wife is never coming back to me?” I asked.

“I don’t think she’s ever coming back to you,” Peleeatah said. “You’re mad at her, right?”

“Right.”

“Then, why do you want her back?”

Peleeatah had me there.

*

“Rev. Susie”: Rev. Susie said she was an ordained minister, a clairvoyant Christian who “reads energy” with the help of Jesus. The whole package.

I told her I recently came into a lot of money and was wondering how this windfall would change my life.

“Let me take a look,” Rev. Susie said. She spent the next 20 seconds away from the phone. When she returned, she told me she had typed my story into her word processor and had read the energy off the screen.

“It’s really beautiful,” she said. “The real purpose of this money is to bring the feminine into your mind, to show you that the world can be gentle, that you can have your needs met, that you can back off, walk on the beach and let the wind blow through your hair.”

Rev. Susie had a soothing voice. As she spoke, I honestly felt the wind blowing through my hair. To say nothing of my bald spot.

She asked me if I was married. I told her the truth, that I was. “I see a lot of loneliness in your life,” Rev. Susie said. “It looks to me like you are not married. It’s been a long time since you’ve danced with life.”

“But I’m worried that someone will try to bilk me out of my money,” I said.

“You can relax,” Rev. Susie said. “You may end up living on the beach, with your sense of the feminine.”

*

“Nightwing”: Nightwing was the most business-like of my four psychic friends. She said she read Tarot cards. I asked her if she had seen the “Psychic Friends Network” infomercial that had originally sparked my interest. She had.

“You know that part when the guy meets that beautiful woman in the produce section of the grocery store?” I asked. “Every time I see that, I get a powerful feeling the same thing is going to happen to me, too. Is that possible?”

“Anything’s possible,” Nightwing said. “Let’s do a yes-no on that produce thing.” She was back after about 30 seconds. “Well, I don’t know about that produce thing, but you do have a romantic relationship coming up. There is a trip, and the person you are going to meet is connected with that trip. You’ve been through some trying times with your relationships in the past. You’ve felt a lot of pain. But now someone new is coming into your life.”

“In a produce department, maybe?”

“Not necessarily,” Nightwing said. But she didn’t rule out the possibility.

Investigator’s Conclusion: Although I remain open to the possibility of psychic powers, I’m frankly skeptical about the “Psychic Friends Network.”

My personalized readings were obviously false. I had the feeling that even if my story had been that I was a mob hit man or an international terrorist, each of my psychic friends still would have forecast a silver lining for me, to say nothing of an exciting new relationship.

On the other hand, in a world filled with so much hate and violence, it’s nice to find that there are still some optimists.